My step-dad was recently in the hospital. It was sudden and unexpected. His pacemaker stopped working causing his heart rate to plummet to 35.

My mom called to let me know. I think she thought it might be the end. She said more than once that he was 85 years old after all. She rarely lets me know about things that are going on. I didn’t find out about my step-brother or my biological father dying until months afterward. I was grateful for being included and told her so. She said talking to me meant a lot to her.

It left me with a familiar feeling. I want that man to confess to HER. He’s already admitted and apologized to me for what he did. In private when she and no one else was around. I said I forgave him.

Until he speaks the truth to her, it will always be my lies, my selfishness, my shame that she will put onto me and see me as. It’s wrong. I deserve to be vindicated. In my soul I feel it won’t ever happen.

He’s a coward. A criminal. And so is she.

Aren’t we all? We choose to stay where it’s safe, forsaking our happiness and health to live lies because the truth is so fucking scary.

I hate that. I want different.