And I’ll Be Me
Silly
Loud
Playful
Sexual
Affectionate
Scared
Insecure
Curious
Passionate
Soft
Tough
Brave
Naive
Trusting
Doubtful
Too long pretending
bending, changing, adjusting
Want more accepting
forgiving, celebrating, touching
Authentic ~
impossible without self-knowing
self-being, self-seeing, self-doing
This morning, just like every morning, I looked into my closet to choose my clothes. The selection is mostly t-shirts and ill-fitting cotton and poly tops. Having gained a lot of weight over the last couple of years, I’m currently at my heaviest. I stopped weighing myself months ago. I’m disgusted by the condition of my body Continue reading Self-Awareness →
When life gets hard, as it does with certain regularity, I tend to retreat. It’s dangerous being inside my mind when I’m feeling threatened, insecure, and unworthy. Self-loathing is an all-too-easy habit.
I’m fighting like hell against it today. In the past 3 years I’ve had big dreams crushed, again and again. It’s fucking exhausting to try to have hope that I’m not just spinning my wheels.
Where do I belong? What do I need to be doing? How do I let go of the pain and embrace the joy when disappointment has been such a frequent visitor?
I can choose to lay on my bed and wallow in the pain. Or I can breathe and simply be right here, right now. What matters is what I believe, not just what I perceive.
This morning I listened to a The Art of Charm podcast featuring Amy Molin, psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Dont’ Do. It’s the next book I’m going to buy. In the podcast, Amy described why it’s so important to “change your language”.
In a mindfulness class I’m taking, they talk of “changing your storyline”. It’s about shifting the tone, having self-compassion, cultivating better habits, and believing something better. I like that. I want that. I need that.
How is someone supposed to do that when they don’t even like themselves? When forgiveness seems impossible, self-love is crippled.
But I try to be kind to myself. By posting reminders and inspiring words, I make my home a haven for encouragement. From laminated images to scribbles on paper to lipstick on the mirror. Whenever and wherever the feeling hits.
And it works. Sometimes.
When I’m feeling good, life is colorful. It’s easy to see the messages of hope.
On the other days, even though it’s gray, a simple nudge of inspiration might be enough to keep me moving forward.
The key is to remember to read the words. To gaze upon the images. To breathe in the hope.
Today, I’m breathing…
just don't expect a fairly tale.
