I just finished reading The Buddha & The Borderline, a memoir by Kiera Van Gelder. I can’t recall ever relating so completely with an author.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Buddhism
Already practicing mindfulness and meditation, though admittedly more often is always helpful.
How could what I’ve been experiencing my whole life be told by someone else? Different specifics, same circumstances. Over and over. Deeply painful.
There’s a Buddhist temple here in town. I’ve been wanting to visit since we moved here over 5 years ago. There’s no reason I haven’t yet, except for just not doing it.
When I was a teenager I was certain my mother had bipolar disease. I’m wondering if she’s a borderline. I wonder if she has effects of fetal alcohol syndrome. I wonder what pain she’s suffered because of her mental illness. I know I’ll wonder this forever. She’s too afraid to talk about it, too defensive, certain of harsh judgement, consumed with shame.
So many times I needed her to have comforted me, provided me with guidance through loving kindness rather than fear of terrible consequences.
Try as I might, and oh my god do I try, I too revert to those negative parenting styles when I’m stressed and out of patience. I’m working so hard on trying to get better.
The challenge of being who you want, who you truly are, can be insurmountable without something or someone mirroring back the possibility in you.
I’ve lived in fear for so long. I decided to say Fuck Fear when I turned forty. And I ended up moving halfway across the country. This is where I’m meant to be.
Anything is possible. The unexpected can be incredible. Just gotta take those deep breaths and keep looking for the light.
I’m not strong enough yet to withstand the ridicule.
I’m getting stronger though. Some days I feel a lot stronger than before. Other days I’m a heaping pile of mess.
Today I decided to choose freedom. I put on my purple bob wig. Looked at myself in the mirror and had a heartfelt pep talk.
I told myself I was free to express all the feelings I have. I could be happy, snarky, fun, honest. With this purple flair I could let go of the role I feel I need to play every day. Let go of judgment. Be me. Safe in my home.
I sat down in my office to begin self-expression through words. You walked by and began laughing. Hysterically.
I appreciate your honesty. I’d rather have that than pretending to be accepted when I’m not. How my heart wishes you saw me differently. Wishes you truly embraced my realness the way you say you do.
You tolerate me because it’s “the right thing to do”. Sometimes I feel safe in that space. It’s a far better place than I’ve known.
But with the ugliness of ridicule comes shame. The only thing I could do was pull the wig from my head as the tears began to flow.
Not really safe after all.
Not strong enough to say fuck off, this is me. Take me or leave me. Doesn’t matter if you get me. Doesn’t matter.
Because it does. It still matters. I still need to be what other people want me to be or I will be mocked, laughed at, misunderstood.
I can’t remember a time in my life when I felt accepted.
And when someone is alone. Like no friends, no deep family connections, not even a casual acquaintance to talk with, how in the world is anyone supposed to be strong enough to not crumble?
I want to believe I’ll get there. Feels like I’m a long way away from it…..
I despise feeling bad about myself. I know how to turn off the negative voices in my head. I’ve also learned to listen a little to see if it’s more of a warning than a cristicism. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference, I misunderstand, or I choose to ignore.
FEAR SUCKS!
I’ve spent too much of my life being afraid. And almost as much time being ashamed. What good has that brought me?
I choose relationships that don’t always bring out the best in me. Repeated behavior. Patterns so obvious, the only rational explanation is my lack of true self-love.
I know & yet I choose
Not what I want
Just whatever I can get
But I am grateful. Deeply grateful . I’m lucky and blessed. I’m still trying my best everyday.
just don't expect a fairly tale.
