I’ll never be able to fully separate all the lies from truth. There were so many ways he belittled me while making himself appear to be without fault.
Looking back, I understand now, at least in part, why he was so cruel. He must have been mistreated terribly when he was young by those who should have loved him. He was also mean in spirit. That combination made being his child a living nightmare.
There’s one lie in particular that still makes me cry because of the magnitude of his brutality and the deeply personal aspect of it. If what he said were true, there was absolutely nothing in my power to change it.
I remember we were outside on that sunny day. Not sure if we were washing his yellow pickup truck, but I remember standing next to it when he looked down at me. I must have been 8 or 9 years old. I had always loved my daddy’s blue eyes. I wonder if he knew that. If so, it would make his next statement even more vile.
Without a hint of humor, he told me people with blue eyes were smarter than people with brown eyes. Then he watched me to see my reaction as I processed this information. Over the years, he would repeat this statement several times. I suppose it was his way of exerting dominance and superiority while making sure I viewed myself as inferior.
Parents hold all the power over their children. What they say, we believe to be true. And this ‘fact’ has had a devastating effect on me. Despite my knowing eye color doesn’t determine intelligence, it’s impossible to erase his words and intention. I can still hear his voice and see the smirk on his face.
We all say things we regret. We all can be unintentionally cruel. When that happens, our apologies help heal the wounds, but do not erase the scars. When there’s never an apology made because the words were deliberate, the hurt takes hold deep inside.
He told me so many lies. I didn’t deserve that. No one does. I have beautiful brown eyes. Although I struggle, I’m not stupid.
