This morning, just like every morning, I looked into my closet to choose my clothes. The selection is mostly t-shirts and ill-fitting cotton and poly tops. Having gained a lot of weight over the last couple of years, I’m currently at my heaviest. I stopped weighing myself months ago. I’m disgusted by the condition of my body and I try not to look too closely in the mirror. I keep telling myself I’ll lose the weight, but my habits haven’t changed to support that goal. Yet. Today I chose to have a healthy acai berry smoothie from a local vegan spot for breakfast instead of donuts or waffles with syrup, which was my initial craving. It really does come down to choices.

Back to picking out my clothes. I had an epiphany. My thought process typically goes something like, “What will draw the least attention to me? What won’t look too out of place? What won’t show all my fat? What will bring the least amount of criticism?” I was deep in that inner-dialogue when my voice, my inner angel, gently introduced a new thought. “What do I want to wear without regard for other’s opinion?”

Wow, I felt instantly better. Just like that. It made me smile and pause in the idea that I’m the one who matters. So what if people make faces about my cat shirt. I love cats and the color pink. It’s baggy, worn in, and comfortable. This is my life and I want to be nicer to myself.

I mentioned in my last blog that I recently had the fortune of hearing Amy Morin, LCSW, speak about becoming mentally stronger on the Art of Charm podcast hosted by Jordan Harbinger. She shared excellent insight and doable tips from her book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. One thing she said that I wrote down as soon as I got home was, “Change your language.” Simple in theory, difficult in practice… at first. It gets easier. It does.

I’m feeling good today and glad that I changed the language I had been using into something compassionate toward myself. I also felt validated when the sweet gal at the vegan smoothie shop said she liked my t-shirt and then told me a story about her two kitties waking her up early today, her one day to sleep in. We commiserated over the joys of living with cats. It was a nice connection.

Still working on finding my tribe and feeling optimistic that it’s as easy as simply being me. I want to love myself as I am with tolerance and non-judgement. This journey of self-discovery through writing feels like a roller coaster of awareness. I’m not a big fan of roller coasters, but there is that thrill of letting go and going with it, trusting that the twists and turns are temporary. My life is, too. Today I’m leaning into it.