I just finished reading The Buddha & The Borderline, a memoir by Kiera Van Gelder. I can’t recall ever relating so completely with an author.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Buddhism

Already practicing mindfulness and meditation, though admittedly more often is always helpful.

How could what I’ve been experiencing my whole life be told by someone else? Different specifics, same circumstances. Over and over. Deeply painful.

There’s a Buddhist temple here in town. I’ve been wanting to visit since we moved here over 5 years ago. There’s no reason I haven’t yet, except for just not doing it.

When I was a teenager I was certain my mother had bipolar disease. I’m wondering if she’s a borderline. I wonder if she has effects of fetal alcohol syndrome.  I wonder what pain she’s suffered because of her mental illness. I know I’ll wonder this forever. She’s too afraid to talk about it, too defensive, certain of harsh judgement, consumed with shame.

So many times I needed her to have comforted me, provided me with guidance through loving kindness rather than fear of terrible consequences.

Try as I might, and oh my god do I try, I too revert to those negative parenting styles when I’m stressed and out of patience. I’m working so hard on trying to get better.

The challenge of being who you want, who you truly are, can be insurmountable without something or someone mirroring back the possibility in you.

I’ve lived in fear for so long. I decided to say Fuck Fear when I turned forty. And I ended up moving halfway across the country. This is where I’m meant to be.

Anything is possible. The unexpected can be incredible. Just gotta take those deep breaths and keep looking for the light.