My “sex life” is a paradox. I think that’s the right word.

I also Googled ” anomaly” and “dysfunction”.

It’s one or another.

Either they don’t care about me and fuck me.

Or they love me and then stop fucking me.

What the actual fuck?!?!?

I want the loving AND the fucking.

At the same time.

With the same person.

I don’t want to forfeit an amazing sex life for security and platonic companionship.

He doesn’t initiate any sexual exchange.

Yet he kisses me all the time.

He freezes up when I touch him provocatively.

And tells me he loves me again and again.

I struggled and suffered for years with assholes treating me like shit and having incredible sex with them.

I’ve spent years in hell wishing, crying, praying, self-loathing, repressing desire for the man I love.

To reconcile that I must be extremely desperate.

Pathetic.

Lonely.

Frustrated.

Scared and sad.

How many truly enjoyable sexual years do I have left?

Why won’t the  man who loves me make love to me?

Why doesn’t he want to?

I hate myself.

I must be repulsive.

Doesn’t matter that he says it’s not me.

It is me that he’s not fucking….

And that’s personal.