I’m not strong enough yet to withstand the ridicule.

I’m getting stronger though. Some days I feel a lot stronger than before. Other days I’m a heaping pile of mess.

Today I decided to choose freedom. I put on my purple bob wig. Looked at myself in the mirror and had a heartfelt pep talk.

I told myself I was free to express all the feelings I have. I could be happy, snarky, fun, honest. With this purple flair I could let go of the role I feel I need to play every day. Let go of judgment. Be me. Safe in my home.

I sat down in my office to begin self-expression through words. You walked by and began laughing. Hysterically.

I appreciate your honesty. I’d rather have that than pretending to be accepted when I’m not. How my heart wishes you saw me differently. Wishes you truly embraced my realness the way you say you do.

You tolerate me because it’s “the right thing to do”. Sometimes I feel safe in that space. It’s a far better place than I’ve known.

But with the ugliness of ridicule comes shame. The only thing I could do was pull the wig from my head as the tears began to flow.

Not really safe after all.

Not strong enough to say fuck off, this is me. Take me or leave me. Doesn’t matter if you get me. Doesn’t matter.

Because it does. It still matters. I still need to be what other people want me to be or I will be mocked, laughed at, misunderstood.

I can’t remember a time in my life when I felt accepted.

And when someone is alone. Like no friends, no deep family connections, not even a casual acquaintance to talk with, how in the world is anyone supposed to be strong enough to not crumble?

I want to believe I’ll get there. Feels like I’m a long way away from it…..