Gone. Without a trace. Walked away from this life. No good-byes. No looking back.
It would hurt the ones who love me. But I wouldn’t keep hurting them with my words and actions anymore. I wouldn’t bear the guilt of all the mistakes I keep making again and again. I wouldn’t feel this literal heartache. I would miss them and wonder how they are. Like the others I’ve left behind.
I’m tired of feeling like this. I don’t like my life’s circumstance. Feeling stuck. Trapped. Like I’m drowning. I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s suffering. Better to not be here anymore.
Lost hope.
Lost faith.
It’s too hard.
This morning, just like every morning, I looked into my closet to choose my clothes. The selection is mostly t-shirts and ill-fitting cotton and poly tops. Having gained a lot of weight over the last couple of years, I’m currently at my heaviest. I stopped weighing myself months ago. I’m disgusted by the condition of my body Continue reading Self-Awareness →
When life gets hard, as it does with certain regularity, I tend to retreat. It’s dangerous being inside my mind when I’m feeling threatened, insecure, and unworthy. Self-loathing is an all-too-easy habit.
I’m fighting like hell against it today. In the past 3 years I’ve had big dreams crushed, again and again. It’s fucking exhausting to try to have hope that I’m not just spinning my wheels.
Where do I belong? What do I need to be doing? How do I let go of the pain and embrace the joy when disappointment has been such a frequent visitor?
I can choose to lay on my bed and wallow in the pain. Or I can breathe and simply be right here, right now. What matters is what I believe, not just what I perceive.
This morning I listened to a The Art of Charm podcast featuring Amy Molin, psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Dont’ Do. It’s the next book I’m going to buy. In the podcast, Amy described why it’s so important to “change your language”.
In a mindfulness class I’m taking, they talk of “changing your storyline”. It’s about shifting the tone, having self-compassion, cultivating better habits, and believing something better. I like that. I want that. I need that.
